Comedy Week # 563 - July 31, 2009
 
"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."
Hugh Downs
"If you want to be happy, be."
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about"
Charles Kingsley
"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same."
Francesca Reigler
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace."
Ernie Banks
"Act as if you were already happy and that will tend to make you happy"
Dale Carnegie
(Thanks Phyllis!) The AMA position on the stimulus package:
BEST ANALYSIS I HAVE HEARD YET!!!
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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Manure... An interesting fact:
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
(Thanks Mary L.!) Crisco:
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,
Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'
You might be from Las Vegas If.....
* - You no longer associate bridges with water.
* - You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
* - You can make instant sun tea.
* - You learn that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.
* - The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.
* - You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* - You discover you can get a sunburn through your car window.
* - You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.
* - It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
* - Hot water comes out of both taps.
* - You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
* - No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
* - Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?
* - You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
(Thanks Michael C!) WOODEN LEG INSURANCE:
A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri, from Texas. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas, it cost them $2000. per year!
When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas !
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39..... You just have to know how to describe it!'
(Those Show Me folks know how "to git 'er done"; don't they?)
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The Fence:
If you have ever use an electric fence you should read this. The language used is a bit coarse, but 'he tells it like it is." If you don't laugh at this...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true…
We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long round rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.......
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.....
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes, (maybe 2 seconds), into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die.' But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
On a serious note:
(Thanks Shari!) A very pretty slide show, with the colors of the world.
http://www.greatdanepromilitary.com/Colors/index.htm
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