Talk Like A Redneck:
It's hotter today than, two gerbils humping in a wool sock!
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws, as a hair in a biscuit."
High Tech Hillbilly:
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under my arm".
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand".
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said.... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY:
** I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
** Duct tape won't fix that.
** We don't keep firearms in this house.
** You can't feed that to the dog.
** I thought Graceland was tacky.
** No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe.
** Professional wrasslin's fake.
** Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
** We're vegetarians.
** I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
** Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
** I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today.
** Trim the fat off that steak.
** Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
** The tires on that truck are too big.
** I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
** I've got it all on floppy disk.
** Unsweetened tea tastes better.
** Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
** Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
** Hey here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen.
** I don't have a favorite college football team.
** Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
** I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
** Elvis who?
** Checkmate.
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters.
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops. Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts.
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That".
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden.
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos.
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally.
1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!
** Redneck Medical Terms
Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Pretty near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by
